Conflict over where to
spend the holidays
by Gayle Peterson, LCSW, PhD
Question:
I am dreading the holidays!
We always fight over whose house we should go to
for Christmas. If it were totally up to me I'd just stay home.
What should
we do to avoid this yearly fight this holiday season?
Answer:
You have deadened your holiday
spirit with family rituals that have become
stale instead of meaningful. Take a step back to reevaluate what
you want
the meaning of the holidays to be for your immediate family.
Turn your
attention and energies to creating a family event that you can
look forward
to rather than dread!
Why not start your own family
tradition this year? Perhaps it is time for
the two of you to stop fighting about whose relatives you should
visit and
develop a holiday ritual centered in your home.
The initiation of your own
family rituals is a necessary step new families
must take to establish family identity. This does not mean that
you must
forgo seeing family relatives. Instead, invite them to your house
if you
would like, or let them know that you are having your own family
ritual this
year and want to visit them on another day to exchange gifts
and holiday
cheer.
Family rituals die if they
do not remain enjoyable and meaningful to family
members. For example, a large family gathering at your parents
house may
have provided a wonderful sense of connection as a child. It
may even have
continued as a family touchstone in your early adulthood, as
you looked
forward to the holidays. But, gradually changes are needed in
any family
ritual, so that it continues to meet the needs of it's growing
members.
When spouses are added to
the family, new conflicts can arise over how to
continue holiday celebrations. Issues of inclusion and exclusion
and how to
celebrate can become heated between spouses. Taking turns attending
one
another's family celebrations over the holidays is a common first
step, as
spouses get to know their in-laws and an understanding of the
established
rituals of each partner's respective family.
The next step, however, is
to create your own unique family culture, which
blends your traditions in a way that brings cohesion and enjoyment
to both
of you and your own children. Do not stop short of taking responsibility
to
develop your own family identity. Take action to recover your
holiday
spirit. Participate in your family history by creating it.
Talk with your partner about
a solution to your apathy. Remember that
rituals of all kinds, whether they be our weekly patterns, (such
as pancakes
for Sunday breakfast), or major holiday celebrations, serve to
hold families
together. Meaningful ritual is the basis for family bonding over
a lifetime.
These rituals must be adjusted to the needs of the changing family
situation
so that they remain alive, instead of stagnate.
Dr. Peterson applies
an integrative approach based on family systems
research, psychodynamic psychotherapy, and hypnotic technique
to resolve
individual and couples issues. She is the author of several books,
including An Easier Childbirth and Making Healthy
Families. Her
articles on
family relationships appear in professional journals and she
is an
oft-quoted expert in popular magazines such as Woman's Day, Reader's
Digest,
Family Circle, and Parenting. Dr. Peterson has been in private
practice for
25 years and is a clinical member of The Association for Marriage
and Family
Therapy. For free on-line family seminars and articles, visit
www.AskDrGayle.com .
