The 7 Essential Qualities of Sacred Partnership -- Part II
By Rev. Taylor Kingsley, CCHT (Sage)
Excerpted from the forthcoming book, LoveLife! The Four Steps to Fully Loving Yourself and Attracting Sacred Partnership Copyright 2003
As promised, here is the second half of this article, the first half of which was published here in the summer. Let's begin by summarizing the first half:
Higher love begins within. You can only attract what is already inside you. By loving yourself more fully and becoming IN LOVE WITH LIFE, you will cease needing a partner -- thereby creating the necessary conditions for a happy, fulfilling life, and for manifesting sacred partnership.
A joyous, easy loving sacred partnership must be the icing on the cake of an already joyous life. Yet in most relationships, you give up the whole cake in pursuit of the icing. Then, after awhile, because most relationships are with the wrong person, at the wrong time, and/or for the wrong reasons, you realize the icing does not even taste as good as you'd hoped, it might even go stale or rancid! Then, what do you have? No cake, lousy icing.
With sacred partnership, you get to have it all: the cake (all the things you love about your own life) and the icing (a supportive mate with whom to share it and grow together).
The purpose of love is not to attain or sustain the transitory emotional highs of "in-loveness." It is not to complete you, to rescue you, or even to enlighten you. The purpose of love is to help you become a better lover ... a lover of life, of self, of others, and of Spirit.
Love is its own purpose.
In my work as a healer, counselor, and teacher specializing in relationship issues, I have identified seven essential keys to sacred partnership. The first half of this article described the first three keys in detail.
1. SACRED PARTNERS ARE COMMITTED. They are committed in three ways: to the relationship, to their own personal growth, and to that of their partner.
2. SACRED PARTNERS DEDICATE THEIR RELATIONSHIP -- AS WELL AS THEIR LIVES -- TO SPIRIT.
3. SACRED PARTNERS ARE CONNECTED ON ALL LEVELS:
BODY, MIND, HEART AND SOUL (BMHS).
Here are the remaining four keys, 4 - 7:
4. SACRED PARTNERS COMMUNICATE WELL
Communicating well does not mean someone is doing a lot of talking and the other person a lot of listening. It means both parties are able to identify their desires and needs, express them in a clear, respectful and direct manner, to own their own stuff and let it go, and to listen attentively with eyes, ears and heart.
Also, communication methods that may have worked well with a previous partner may need to be modified as everyone has different styles for expressing themselves and for how they need to be spoken to, due to "buttons" from the past. E.g. my mother was a yeller, so as soon as the volume goes above normal speaking voice level, I tune out and close down. My partner was brought up in a household with very indirect communication so we both take this into account. I try to hear what he alludes to and -- this is important -- then I ask "When you said 'This pasta is good' and looked at the rest of the food, did that mean you want seconds?" Meanwhile, he strives to be more direct, while I, the pushy New Yorker, sometimes do well to adopt his more diplomatic fashion! Enlist one another as teammates in achieving healthy communication 99% of the time!
Here are a few tips for healthy couples communication (contact me for more tips):
Before communicating, give yourself space to FEEL your feelings fully and RELEASE any excess charge, then CENTER yourself. Now you are ready to calmly ASSESS what is really appropriate to say. Then (optional but highly recommended Step B below, RECONNECT, then ) COMMUNICATE your truth with love, of yourself as well as your partner.
Before my husband and I discuss an issue, we take a moment to RECONNECT. This may be a simple statement "I love you and am committed to working this out with you," holding hands, eye gazing, touching each other's hearts and breathing in the love (the tantric Heartlight Meditation), or saying a prayer. The extra 1 minute spent reconnecting works miracles at harmonious conflict resolution. We have been together six years and, while we have had dozens of conflicts resolved peacefully and quickly, I can literally count the number of painful arguments we have had on one hand; all were times when we forgot to do the above. You really can have harmony 95% of the time using these techniques.
Use "I" messages liberally, especially ones like "I love you," "I would really like it if you," "I appreciate" and "How can I support you with this?" "You" messages have gotten a bad rap because of escalatory, shame-and-blame ones like "You never" or "You're the one who always" -- avoid these by all means. However, positive "you" messages can sprinkle love around, too, such as "YOU are so wonderful!," "What do YOU want/need?" and, of course, "Thank YOU."
Apply the ancient Sufi test before any speech:
Is it true?
Is it necessary? And
Is it kind?
5. SACRED PARTNERS REFLECT.
"We are the mirror as well as the face in it." -- Rumi
Like in the calm blue waters of a mountain lake, we see truth in one another. Sacred partners serve as sacred mirrors. This is not the same as agonizing button-pushing! It can be done with love, even laughter. When one of us notices the other one falling into an old pattern, we have a light-hearted way of reminding the other: We hold our hands up, palms facing our partner, and say "Mirror!" Invariably, the person being reminded will see what s/he is doing and laugh and say "Thanks!"
It's also important to reflect as in to consider and think well before choosing a course of action. Pausing to stop and breathe is -- contrary to what our culture tells us -- actually very productive and constructive.
When you travel up the Himalayas, you will likely hire a shurpa. Shurpas are the native people who guide you up the mountains. As they don't speak your language, they communicate with hand signals and body language and are famous for the Shurpa gesture: hand waving next to the head which is vehemently shaking "No no no!" My husband and I joke that we are Shurpas for each other, alerting the other one before s/he can do something incredibly stupid (e.g. stepping off a personal cliff). We cry "Shurpa! No! No! No!" and wave our hands and shake our heads. We crack up ... and then choose more wisely.
On a personal note, I can share that this was the case in my relationship with my husband and sacred partner, even when sex was medically restricted due to the threat of preterm labor in my last pregnancy, when I was on bedrest for many months. Sexual union can be a very sacred act, so we were aware of the need to increase other ways of touching and energetically connecting such as tantric breathing, toning, heart meditations, et al. to ensure our relationship remained strong and balanced.
You would be blessed to have a wise adviser with a sense of humor as your sacred partner, and, the old saying "Two heads are better than one" is certainly true if both heads are well attached to the appropriate shoulders with common sense.
6. SACRED PARTNERS FEEL COMPASSION -- AND PASSION.
"I would like to have engraved inside every wedding band BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER. This is the Golden Rule of Marriage and the secret to making love last through the years." -- Randolph Ray
Kindness, forgiveness, mercy, sympathy, empathy, understanding, generosity, gentleness . . . love . . . the ability to see through your beloved's eyes and to really understand at the deepest level that she or he is just doing the best they can with who they are right now. Do all you can to cultivate this heart connection, to live from your heart, to keep your heart open and connected to your sweetheart's and your hearts will indeed feel the sweetness of pure love. You will hold one another's hearts tenderly in your hands.
You also will be better able to let the little things go, or express yourself and then let them go. Very little is personal!
Sacred partners value the highest good of their mate as much as their own and are genuinely delighted when their partner succeeds. They balance giving and receiving and know that they are each gifts. And the passion they feel is more than just sexual. They live and love juicily in all they do and feel totally alive, totally in love with life, with each other, and with God. Their love is God's dance. They are love in action, synergistically, exponentially greater able to serve, to fulfill their own divine purpose for having come together.
7. SACRED PARTNERS ARE CONSCIOUS.
The goal of being totally awake, totally present, totally aware in each moment is shared by all spiritual seekers. Sacred partnership becomes a school, a playground, a theater, a healing center, a clarifying lens, a menu of delights, a fiery catalyst, a soothing stream, a holy temple . . . a stimulant to awaken all your senses ("You fill up my senses, like a sparkling blue ocean . . . like a walk in the rain" - John Denver, "Annie's Song").
We realize that Spirit, that Love, is all that is real. We discover God within our partner's eyes, and know our own true God essence. We see God in all that is around us and try to spend more and more of our lives actually here, 100% in our bodies, in our lives, and simultaneously 100% one with Spirit and all that is.
Ask you partner, will you help me awaken? Who needs coffee to wake up when you can have Heartlight Meditation, loving touch, partner yoga, smiles and laughter, collective prayer, a shared life full of purpose, pleasure and passion and a fulfilled heart?
"The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don't go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch.
Donít go back to sleep.
The door is round and open.
Donít go back to sleep."
-- Jelaluddin Rumi
Know this: Once you choose consciousness, there is no turning back. You cannot go back to the Matrix or the Garden of Eden. You can no longer semi-live in the materialistic, surface world that most people inhabit, racing from one appointment to another, always in their heads, thinking about the next thing to do, the next bill to pay, car to buy, video to watch, or meal to eat. Never here. Never hear. You can no longer unconsciously poison your body or the Earth, use words (much less sticks or stones) in a cruel way. You can no longer stay asleep.
Once awakened, the sacred question: "What would Love do?" runs through your head more and more, guiding you to choose conscious loving action. Consciousness requires constant work but this is the only real work there is: becoming awake, becoming Love, becoming God, or more precisely, discovering that we are God already.
Sacred partnership is one very beautiful vehicle for your own awakening, for that of your partner, and for that of the world. Namaste.
Affirmations:
In this moment, I choose Love.
The moment of choice, the moment of change, is right now.
Love is All.
I Am.
Love is all I Am.
I am a piece of God. I am at peace with God.
And so it is.
"The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you
Not knowing
How blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along."
-- Rumi
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Rev. Taylor Kingsley, CCHT, RM, BA (Sage) is an intuitive spiritual counselor, clinical hypnotherapist, Reiki Master and teacher. She specializes in self-love, holistic healing of Body, Mind, Heart & Spirit, sacred partnership, dream healing, and natural weight loss. For information on upcoming workshops including Singles with Spirit!, Rising in Love (for couples), Women's Empowerment Circles, and The LoveLife! Intensive Relationship Training, or for a free phone consultation regarding individual or couples counseling, please call 530-292-4212 or email heartsoulhealing@yahoo.com.
Click here for Part I
