The 7 Essential Qualities of Sacred Partnership -- Part I
By Rev. Taylor Kingsley, CCHT (Sage)

"Your partner is your mirror. What a wonderful opportunity to see, to know, to heal your darkness! Intimacy's light shines on your inner shadows, makes your old, forgotten wounds ache again. In tears of release, in tears of laughter, you stride forth, rediscovering your wholeness, your holiness. The safe container of your relationship does not give you strength; it draws forth the strength that was already inside of you. Sacred loving does not bring you any closer to God; it reminds you that God is already here, always, in all ways.

"Reflect, then, upon this: If you are blessed to be in a conscious loving relationship, let the light of Spirit fill you both and be the joy you share. If you are not, remember that higher love begins within. By loving yourself more fully and becoming in love with life, you will cease needing a partner -- thereby creating the necessary conditions for manifesting sacred partnership and for a joyous life."
-- Taylor Kingsley

The purpose of love is not to attain or sustain the transitory emotional highs of "in-loveness." It is not to complete you, to enlighten you, or to rescue you. The purpose of love is to become a better lover ... a lover of life, of self, of others, and of Spirit. Love is its own purpose.

This article provides a practical framework for easily and accurately assessing a present relationship, for understanding your relationship patterns, and for clarifying what you really want in an intimate relationship. You can apply the principles herein to help you manifest higher love. If you are in a relationship right now, please share this article with your partner and use the ideas that resonate for you to harmonize your love and bring it even deeper, even higher, to sacred partnership.

1. SACRED PARTNERS ARE COMMITTED. They are committed in three ways: to the relationship, to their own personal growth, and to that of their partner. (Not necessarily in that order!) This requires a delicate, constantly changing dance to balance the needs of these three entities, all of which are seen as important.

In order to dance gracefully and honor all these commitments, healthy communication is essential, which we will explore in the second half of this piece.

Commitment also forms the safe container for the relationship. A public ceremony announcing your commitment -- whether it be a legal marriage or other form of ritual -- strengthens the loving connections between you and enlists your community as allies to support you as a couple. A renewal of vows ceremony can similarly strengthen the commitment and deepen the relationship for married (or ritually committed) couples.

People who have been living together for many years without this level of commitment cannot reach the same degree of emotional security, public support, and spiritual connection. If you are longing for a greater commitment, you have a right to know why your partner has resisted this. If you are the resisting partner, there may be a good reason for it, or you may just have personal stuff to clear about commitment. Either way, both partners need to be on the same page about commitment or someone is setttling for less in order to settle down. Commitment can be quite freeing, as it frees you so go deeper in healing and loving.

The limiting factor for any relationship is always the least committed person. In a sacred partnership, there is no limit because love is limitless, and everyone is totally here. Everyone shows up. Everyone takes 100% responsibility for the dynamic. There is no approach/avoidance, passive-aggressive behavior. No self-sacrifice or codependency because everyone makes the relationship as significant (but not more than) one's own personal needs.

Thus, sacred partners nourish themselves as well as their relationship with the gift of time. Everyone needs both scheduled and unscheduled time to be consciously, lovingly with self, time to "commit random acts of nurturing and sensible acts of self-love," as I put it. Also, time with friends and family, both with and without your partner, couples time, and, if you are parents, family time are all essential. Once a month, at least, sit down with your partner and your calendars and, with loving consideration for all these healthy needs, dedicate the time in a balanced way. Review this on an ongoing basis and make adjustments as needed according to the highest needs at the moment, with an overall balance over time as the goal.

Neal Donald Walsch suggests these three magic words to say when your partner checks with you about doing something: "As you wish." Always say yes to anything that you both believe is for the highest good -- and ask for what you need, as well.

I have a five-word magic formula: "How can I support you?" Use these phrases sincerely and liberally.

2. SACRED PARTNERS DEDICATE THEIR RELATIONSHIP -- AS WELL AS THEIR LIVES -- TO SPIRIT.

Whatever their spiritual path or religion, sacred partners recognize that the purpose of their partnership is to bring them closer to God. They see the relationship as a catalyst for their spiritual awakening, and their spirituality as an intrinsic part of their relationship.

"Love one another as deeply and fully as you can each day. Remember, you are journeying together this lifetime for a sacred purpose... To grow, to learn, to expand, to discover your own deep spiritual essence, and to honor your beloved's." -- Caroline Joy Addams

Spirituality is not something they "do" now and then, for example, at church or during certain activities, although meditation, prayer, ritual and spiritual community can enhance the spirituality of each partner and the relationship. To sacred partners, Spirit infuses everything. Spirit is the energy that vitalizes the relationship. It is life force itself. It is love. Sacred partners recognize that they are love in action, Spirit embodied. Spirit, God, Love, by any name, is the true essence of each one of us. When you gaze at your partner and you feel love, you are experiencing "namaste:" God within you, God within me, and we are one.

The highest good of each partner, of the relationship, and of all beings is considered as much as possible, and each person strives to be on their own highest path, fulfilling their life's purpose with the loving support of the partnership serving as a safe haven, a classroom, an amusement park, a best friend, and a cheerleading squad!

3. SACRED PARTNERS ARE CONNECTED ON ALL LEVELS: BODY, MIND, HEART AND SOUL (BMHS).

When we enter into a loving relationship with another emotionally healthy person who sees the relationship as a catalyst for spiritual awakening, we travel far beyond our juvenile experiences of love, which were mostly centered in the 2nd (sex) and 4th (emotion) chakra centers. In a healthy, mutual, conscious intimate relationship on all levels-- which I will call sacred partnership -- you give and receive love with your whole self. Anything less than this is an incomplete relationship.

Most of us need to experience several incomplete relationships before we are ready, if ever, for the full connection of sacred partnership. There is nothing "wrong" with an incomplete relationship; it is simply limited. For some people, some of the time, they are satisfying enough and perhaps the legitimate needs for intimate connection at the other levels are met primarily in other ways, e.g. through exercise, bodywork, one's work, friendship, a spiritual community or group.

In an incomplete relationship, you will notice that the emphasis is in one or several (but not all) of these areas, while in a sacred partnership, there is some degree of consistent connection in all levels, and an incredible degree of harmony, personal and interpersonal growth, even bliss can be realized.

When all these levels of connection are present and well-developed, the relationship is balanced. Even if the relationship goes through a period of less focus in one area, sufficient love cords will sustain the relationship. For example, this is why a couple in a primarily physical relationship will see the relationship as falling apart if their sex life becomes minimal. Frequency and satisfaction level of sex will be a litmus test for partners to assess the health of the relationship. In fact, this is their truth, as sex may be the main or only way they connect. While sacred partners will be aware that sex is only one of many ways to connect, and a sacred partnership can ride through periods of less sexual contact and still remain a strong relationship.

On a personal note, I can share that this was the case in my relationship with my husband and sacred partner, even when sex was medically restricted due to the threat of preterm labor in my last pregnancy, when I was on bedrest for many months. Sexual union can be a very sacred act, so we were aware of the need to increase other ways of touching and energetically connecting such as tantric breathing, toning, heart meditations, et al. to ensure our relationship remained strong and balanced.

In a sacred partnership, you feel "met" in all the levels. And you enjoy activities together in all these areas: Body: loving touch, exercise such as dancing, hiking, etc., building a home and financial resources together; Mind: stimulating conversation and cultural experiences, some commonality in politics, values, and vision for the future; Heart: deep sharing, just being together and feeling emotionally safe and good in each other's company, bringing out the sparkle in each other; and Soul: spiritual activities. It has been said, "The family that prays together, stays together." This is especially true if they interact physically, emotionally, and intellectually as well.

Of course, no relationship is going to be totally balanced 100% with all of these areas fully tended to. Look at the overall pattern of your present relationship, or past ones if you are single. (I notice as I write this the concept of "single" to be somewhat inaccurate, as even partnered people are single individuals, and even those flying solo have male and female energies, the inner partner, within them. We are all complete, and yet a sacred relationship can help us find our own selves.)

Some incomplete relationships can be brought to a more complete level through workshops, counseling or therapy, self-help books, etc. I recommend that you work with those that take an integrated, BMHS approach and provide concrete tools for conscious loving, especially if the facilitator, therapist or author is in a sacred partnership themselves. If your partner is willing to expand, if there is a strong commitment and heart connection, and a desire to learn and use tools for sacred loving, you may grow together into sacred partnership.

However, other incomplete relationships are going to remain limited due to the personalities involved, and you simply need to make a conscious choice. If you have been with someone for over a year and you are still hoping for some major change in one of these areas, if you or your partner seems stuck or unable or unwilling to change, I suggest you seriously reconsider your investment of energy in this relationship and free both of you for a better match, which will be for the highest good of all.

Of course, people who are themselves developed in and living from all the areas will be more able to connect on all levels. You bring to the relationship your own level of development. In addition to assessing your relationship for its BMHS connections, assess yourself. Ask: How much am I living in my heart? My body? My head? My spirit? Most Americans are stuck in their heads, most of the time, monkey mind running rampant. Intellectual ability is a great gift when used in balance with heart, body and spirit.

People often ask me at workshops, "What if my partner and I have a strong connection otherwise, but he (or she) just isn't as spiritual (or communicative or intellectual or sexual) as I am? Can't we still have sacred partnership?"

My response is this: A strong heart connection is essential. If this is lacking, the signs are painfully obvious: One person is far more "in" love and in the relationship than the other. Riding the rollercoaster of unrequited love, you feel ecstasy when things are going well and intense longing and grief other times. A relationship with a non-heartmate drains a huge amount of your personal energy while you chase them energetically, longing for their heart to open, longing to be really seen and appreciated for who you are. You wonder "What is wrong with me?" when the real issue is that it is a mismatch. The other person may be cool, distant, closed or even deceitful. Such unrequited love is dysfunctional and unsalvageable. If you are in one of these, get out. Are you often in pain? Feeling unmet emotionally? Heart aching and breaking? You will never be able to manifest sacred partnership, much less even a healthy relationship, with someone who is not a heartmate.

Strong words, I know, and hard to hear when you are still attached to the illusion of what you "could" have with this person. As an old saying goes, you've been expecting milk at the hardware store. Yet I have seen this in case after case as a therapist and teacher. Let me share my personal experience. The relationship I was in just prior to finding my Body-Mind-Heart and Soulmate was with a man ("Robert")with a closed heart. He was a soulmate in that we felt we had known one another before, and had very deep spiritual experiences together. He was devastatingly handsome, charismatic and successful. It took me seven agonizing months to admit that he was not, and would never be, my heartmate. A Balinese shaman could see this while I still tried to believe it could work. He touched his own heart, then mine and smiled, and opened his hand. He pointed to my boyfriend, touched his heart and made a closed fist, shaking his head. Soom after, I discovered that Robert was unfaithful, and had been so with dozens of women before me (and probably after!). It took courage, faith and a lot of self-love to let go and open the door for someone even better to appear.

The first someone even better that I had to allow to appear was myself. After a year and a half of intense self-love and healing, realizing what I really deserve and desire in love, I was ready for my Body-Mind-Heart-and Soulmate, and he appeared right on time. So, take heart! When you open your heart, open your eyes, too, and examine: How connected are we at Body? Mind? Heart? Spirit? You deserve to be with someone who totally cherishes you as the treasure you are, someone whose heart is open to fully love you.

The other levels of connection (BMS) may or may not be essential for a healthy, long-lasting, joyful relationship, depending upon your personalities and your needs. We all know couples who have been contentedly, companionably together for decades who seem passionless or mismatched intellectually. (Common in our parents' generation.) A common dynamic in our generation today is that one partner is far more spiritually focused than the other. Any relationship with a strong heart connection but a substantial inequity in another area can still be healthy and satisfying, but you need to recognize their fundamental incompleteness.

In many cases, for example, a more spiritually developing partner would be better off with a spiritual partner who is devoted to their own spiritual path as well as their partner's. People develop at their own pace, so if you are totally impatient with the level your partner is at, or you feel it restricts you, you cannot expect transformation overnight.

Here is the key: If your partner is open to greater spiritual growth, or to deeper connection with you, then workshops, books, and counseling may help. Spiritual relationship programs, books and counseling can benefit couples who share the goal of connecting more deeply, to live and love more fully on all levels.

Therefore, for true sacred partnership, a connection of Body, Mind, Heart and Soul are all essential. The groundbreaking lightning bolt I would like you to glean from this article is that YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL IN ONE PERSON. Chemistry, passion, tenderness, compassion, clear communication, commonality, intellectual stimulation, and spiritual compatibility. One of my favorite relationship mantras is: You don't have to settle for less in order to settle down.

The remainder of this article will explore the other four essential qualities of sacred partnership. Look for it here this fall, or call or email to have a copy mailed to you. For Part II click here.

Blessings to you on your journey to higher love.

Part II

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Rev. Taylor Kingsley, BA, CCHT, a.k.a. Sage, is a clinical hypnotherapist, intuitive counselor, and interfaith minister specializing in sacred partnership, self-love, healing food and weight issues, and women's empowerment. She facilitates the women's BodyLove healing circle and, with her sacred partner, will teach Rising in Love: The Dance of Sacred Partnership on Sept. 6th at their Heart & Soul Healing Center. (See Insight calendar and call for details.) Taylor has taught heart-centered, spiritual intimacy programs for the past 8 years at venues such as Harbin Hot Springs, Serendipity and The Learning Annex, and is coauthor of the romantic board game for couples, PassionPlay!, and author of the forthcoming book, LoveLife! From Self-Love to Sacred Partnership. For a free consultation or information about self-love and sacred partnership programs and counseling, contact Taylor at 530-292-4212 or heartsoulhealing@yahoo.com.

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